Thursday, May 31, 2012

I'm Not Gonna Lie.

There are days when I wake up and want to do nothing. The depression rolls in and my bed calls to me... I wear my fluffy white robe over my jeans and tee because it makes me feel comfortable and cozy. On these days, it's hard to be an active mother, and I hate it, which makes me more depressed.

After three years of being a stay-at-home-mom, I no longer have income coming in to support the family, which causes severe anxiety. It's like I curl up inside myself in a tiny little ball and don't want to come out. My love doesn't understand, even though he says he does. At times it makes me feel like more of a burden than one half of a marriage, a responsibility instead of a desire.

I've been on and off antidepressants since age 15, and I've finally found a combination that works for me, that makes my anxiety lower and my mood stable. It's 0.5 of clonazepam and 20mg of citalopram, the generic Klonopin and Celexa, which I started shortly after the birth of Cole and then again after the birth of Stella. The worst part is, my doctor has an issue with long-term use of clonazepam - despite the fact I'm on the lowest dose and haven't increased since starting the medication - and wants to see me to talk about it. After putting off refilling my prescription for a week, I finally called him at home tonight to tell him his nurse said he refilled it but the pharmacy had heard nothing from him. "Oh," he said. "I forgot."

I wanted to scream, "You FORGOT?! What the hell am I paying you for, buddy? If you want me to see a psychiatrist because you're not comfortable with giving a non-addict a perfect dose of antidepressants, fine! But don't just ignore me for a week! Going off meds suddenly can cause serious problems, and this one happens to cause SEIZURES if it's not weaned from your system properly, buddy. What are you THINKING?!"

The health care system fails. The end.

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