Sunday, June 28, 2015
Journal entry, Wisconsin (mid vacation)
I am miserable.
I need to get back on my antidepressants as soon as I get back to Texas.
I can't stop crying.
I hate waking up.
I hate life.
I hate that I allow everyone to make my decisions in life and am now a shell of the person I used to be.
It's time to make some major changes. I'm done asking permission to live my life. I WILL RUN MY LIFE!
You do not deal with someone who has depression by screaming at them and telling them that life isn't that bad and to get over it. I can't get over it, depression doesn't go away.
I am living IN this.
I have to walk through the pain and the voices in my head telling me I'm not good enough to even live. I am unable to focus on the positive, my fucked up brain won't allow it. I wake up every single day and try to ignore the voice telling me I'm so unworthy and useless that I should just get it over with and kill myself. I've gotten to the place where I'm daydreaming ways to make it look like an accident so I am not the dumb bitch who committed suicide. I don't want to leave my kids with the harsh reality that their mom killed herself because her depression was too much of a battle to fight.
I am losing.
It makes me feel terrible.
I am ashamed of my behavior.
I feel like I'm going insane. It can't be normal to feel this way, especially in such a peaceful place where I should be happy.
If you are thinking about suicide or are depressed, please get help. You are not alone.