Monday, December 12, 2011

Bad Mom Syndrome II

It can't be normal to go through your daily life with the constant thought of hating yourself, can it? Tell me no other mothers wake up and dread the day with their beautiful, funny, smart children in the prime years of their life, because there can't be many more worse feelings than that.

Laundry, dishes and daily chores are starting to haunt me as they pile up.. the higher the stack, the more daunting the job, therefore more difficult to know where to start in the first place. And how is one person supposed to get this done in a miniscule 8 hours between "I'm hungry," "Help me go pee," pee accidents, changing diapers, and making sure the one who can't communicate as well is happy and not crying? How does one person maintain their sanity? How do other mothers do it?! Because I feel like I am drowning.

It doesn't help matters that walking around harboring pain, combined with self-loathing and self-doubt, has me in my head constantly. Every time I look at my children's faces I wonder if they deserve better, if they would be happier with a different mother. I want to raise my babies with positivity and love, but when unable to feel those things, the overwhelming feelings turn to frustration and suddenly I'm out of control, shouting for silence and "stop whining" and "what do you need now," which makes the cycle begin all over.

Since I'm unable and unwilling to give my children another mother, I have to change the one they have, and that means some soul-searching on my part. Possibly giving up control to antidepressants and admitting that I need them, that I'm a better mother when I'm on them because they provide a mood stabilizer and that's what they need. Especially when my son has started asking me if I'm sad, if I'm happy, if I'm mad... He should only need to know I'm love and support and I'm unwavering for him and his sister.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for posting this and being open and honest. I suffer from Bad Mom Syndrome too. I get overwhelmed. I've even said," Maybe I should leave so you can find a better mom," which results in my little one saying, "No, Mommy, no, I love you." Then I feel even worse. I know a lot of this comes from my continuing struggle with Depression. I've said some hurtful things to my children as well. BUT I know I love them with my entire being. I know the self-loathing, the feeling that you are a failure as a mom and homemaker. I don't have a magic shot to make it all better. I don't have those perfect words of wisdom. All I can do is keep on keeping on and try my best. Once again, thank you for posting. You are not alone.