I'm Not Gonna Lie.

There are days when I wake up and want to do nothing. The depression rolls in and my bed calls to me... I wear my fluffy white robe over my jeans and tee because it makes me feel comfortable and cozy. On these days, it's hard to be an active mother, and I hate it, which makes me more depressed.

After three years of being a stay-at-home-mom, I no longer have income coming in to support the family, which causes severe anxiety. It's like I curl up inside myself in a tiny little ball and don't want to come out. My love doesn't understand, even though he says he does. At times it makes me feel like more of a burden than one half of a marriage, a responsibility instead of a desire.

I've been on and off antidepressants since age 15, and I've finally found a combination that works for me, that makes my anxiety lower and my mood stable. It's 0.5 of clonazepam and 20mg of citalopram, the generic Klonopin and Celexa, which I started shortly after the birth of Cole and then again after the birth of Stella. The worst part is, my doctor has an issue with long-term use of clonazepam - despite the fact I'm on the lowest dose and haven't increased since starting the medication - and wants to see me to talk about it. After putting off refilling my prescription for a week, I finally called him at home tonight to tell him his nurse said he refilled it but the pharmacy had heard nothing from him. "Oh," he said. "I forgot."

I wanted to scream, "You FORGOT?! What the hell am I paying you for, buddy? If you want me to see a psychiatrist because you're not comfortable with giving a non-addict a perfect dose of antidepressants, fine! But don't just ignore me for a week! Going off meds suddenly can cause serious problems, and this one happens to cause SEIZURES if it's not weaned from your system properly, buddy. What are you THINKING?!"

The health care system fails. The end.

Sweet Summer

Sweet Summer by stacywill featuring hudson jeans

Kids at the Park

A day in pictures from our friends' park party...

rock pickin'

proud of her choice

grass pickin'

trying her hand at hula hooping

mom and babes checking out the stage. mommy needs a sandwich; she's too skinny. change that, STAT.

Stella loved the stage idols

eating some fruit to beat the heat

the stage

Cole learning how to juggle

"wow!"

Getting My Business On

I bought myself some poster board and nice new colorful Sharpies and have been making momma cards after the kids go to bed. Wanna see some? Here they are:

Phobias & Fears

When I was growing up, being fearless was something that made me especially proud. It was fearlessness that brought me to Dallas, where my future was waiting and currently resides. Well, that was nine years ago and perhaps that saying 'Wisdom comes with age' opens your eyes a little wider so you can avoid stupid mistakes.

I've picked up several fears over the last decade. For example, I developed extreme anxiety and panic attacks after having my son. For a while, I was afraid to leave my house. I was afraid of dropping my son because I fell with him in my arms three times. One resulted in a bit-through lip and nearly broken nose for me and a shaken up, wailing 5-month-old. After I married my husband, my bones would shake every time he raised his voice because of past partners who had been abusive. Seven years later, my body still jumps when he yells, even though it's not at me. (Let me make that more clear. My husband is wonderful, but he has a loud voice and a stressful job. He is just naturally stressed out, poor dude. It's hard being responsible for everything at work and home.)

While I know the reasons for these fears, I thought it would be interesting to go to a phobia list and write them all out.

My Phobias:

Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises.

Macrophobia- Fear of long waits.

Acrophobia- Fear of heights.

Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting.*

Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.

Dystychiphobia- Fear of accidents.

Hodophobia- Fear of road travel.

Iatrophobia- Fear of going to the doctor or of doctors.

Surprisingly, a lot weren't on the list, like fear of driving or being afraid to leave the house, but they fell into other categories. Most of my fears are self-explanatory, like being afraid of the doctor (dentist!), heights, and confined spaces. When Cole was a baby, there was a long period where the thought of driving would literally send me into an anxiety attack. Strangely, my panic attacks can also occur when we're sitting in a long line of stopped traffic or standing in a long, unmoving line. I start looking for the nearest bathroom, closest exit, easiest way out.

So there ya go. This tattooed hippie pirate momma is not fearless, and that's okay. 

*This one will be explained in a later post. 

Birthday Surprise

As a stepmother, you will rarely hear me complain about my husband's ex-wife or daughter from his previous marriage. Although Shellie has been part of my life since she was 4, we have never quite accepted each other as mother/daughter, but rather friends. It has been complicated by her going back and forth between her mom's and our house, and sometimes I feel cheated out of a connection with her.

Anyway. Today is Shellie's 11th birthday and she has been asking for months to do something alone with her dad. Being that she is only with us some weekends - social life and school obligations - the time is rare we spend with her alone, because Cole and Stella adore her and love to be with her. The mister came up with this big plan to take her to drive go-carts since she is tall enough, and she requested a sushi lunch. He was really excited until her mother called the day before to say she would be dropping off Shellie at noon and picking her up at 4 p.m. because she planned a dinner for her in Fort Worth. And she invited my husband, but not the rest of us. Um, FUCK NO.

So like every other holiday, weekend, birthday, celebration, special event... once again, K was crushed. It breaks my heart to hear Cole cry that he wants to go with Dad and Shellie and he's forced to stay home with mom instead. And you know, I would have liked a sushi lunch. I can't remember the last time we went to dinner, let alone shell out the dollars for an entire meal of sushi at at the best place in town. But that's not the point. I actually don't know if there is a point here.

I'm sure this will be one of those posts that gets me in trouble, but this is my blog and it's the way I see it, and damn it, I deserve to air my opinion. I hold my tongue a lot, and this time I can't do it.

Five Things Friday

This week was insane and weird. The mister left town for business last Saturday and there were three meetups scheduled with the Pirate Mommas... we missed all of them. Cole spent Tuesday night through Thursday afternoon feeding animals and playing in water with great-grandpa at the farm.

For someone who barely knew my great-grandfather, it warms my heart to see my husband's 87-year-old grandpa play with my son. Cole is obsessed with this grandpa and great-grandpa, and he lights up their lives. Grandpa Jim even taught him to say "I love you Mom" this week.. and although it came out sounding more like "I wuv you Mom" it made me burst into tears.

....And it suddenly started pouring rain outside.

So it's Friday again - already! - and I have some new stuff for you. 

Five Things You Don't Know About Me Friday

1. Lemon poppyseed muffins are my favorite.
2. I burn myself cooking a lot.
3. I heart Banksy.
4. I love the rain.
5. Discovering little patches of wonderland in the city is my favorite.

Yesterday evening the kids were both crying, so we went for a drive after dinner.  Discovered a magical little nature park right off the highway tonight not far from our place on accident. While at a stoplight, I saw some men fishing and a few little bridges that intrigued me, so the kids and I stopped and found a dozen or more baby ducks, turtles, momma and daddy ducks, geese, a pelican, and more! It was amazing.

In a Hole

For about a week, every time the kids and I would come in and out of the house, there was a horrible stench near the front porch. I made the pleasant discovery of the source of that funky smell while we were playing outside. It was a beautiful day, we were all in great moods and had just taken a walk around the cul-de-sac when they decided to play chase in the front yard. I picked up a lawn chair leaning against the garage and BAM! Huge dead rat the size of a baby raccoon. I swear everything is bigger in Texas. There are two empty houses next to us that had high grass, so I guess the rodents came to our house and got into the poison in the garage. I freaked when I saw it, but Kev was a weenie when he came home (weak stomach) so I took the shovel, scooped that dead rat up, bagged him in trash bags and got rid of that sucker. Go me!

sweet misunderstood boy

Sorry I've been hiding in a hole. Bit of a depression lately but I'll be okay. The mister is out of town until Saturday and Cole is so defiant. Yesterday, he kept throwing his fists in my face threatening to punch me, and I bit his fist. I was so tired of him screaming in my face and threatening to punch me, it was my first reaction. He cried, I left a mark on his finger, but he hasn't done it again. He did it again today at such a surprising time - we were in our pajamas cuddled up with blankets reading books together, and he jumped up on the couch and punched me in the top of the head. He will not make me cry. I will not let him see me crying.

I'm also failing at bedtime with Cole, who takes two hours to sleep even though he doesn't nap. It's [Sunday at] 10:30 p.m. and my son is still crying in his room. He loathes bedtime and says he's scared of his room but I'm pretty sure he just hates me. His dad is out of town this week so he's out of his normal routine. ....But this has been going on for a long, long time. We've tried everything from night lights to letting the dog sleep with him, but I can't figure out what he's scared of. First off, he's slept in the same room since he was 1-1/2 and we haven't changed his bedtime routine... ever, really. It's always been 8:30 and he fights it until 10:30. It's exhausting for both Kev and I. I wish I could just fix it. Secondly, we know Cole has nightmares because he wakes up and tells us about them. Third, I don't believe in monster spray because I've always told him there are no monsters, so giving him that would make me a liar. To his defense, both his father and I were and still are night owls, and desperately need time at night alone since they run me all day/he works all day. If we lay down with Cole, he will be out in a heartbeat, but I don't want to have to do that. Grrrr. He won't stay in his room without the gate up, and if I let him stay up to wind down and watch cartoons or play, he gets overexcited and starts jumping on the bed and couches and running around.

trouble

Overall, I'm feeling like a failure of a mother, which is probably cause for my depression. Some days I just want to give up. Worse, they've started tag-teaming me. These days I have to walk away knowing that I'm in for cleaning a disaster area when I come back - they've tried to flood my bathrooms, poured a bottle of Hershey's syrup all over the kitchen, took my Tupperware outside for mud pies, emptied an entire bag of rabbit pellet food all over the kitchen floor, eaten dog food for fun, covered the little white dog in chocolate, and broken daddy's PS3 remotes. We have had to lock the pantry door so C won't steal food! Little monster likes my treats. "One for Cole and one for Stella!" he says. He fed her my Hostess Ding-Dongs in her crib one morning. We woke to discover chocolate covered sheets and a happy little sister. Their antics could fill a book.

Guess who's sleeping on the couch in our bedroom tonight. Fell asleep on his own before 10:00. Maybe he just wanted to be closer to mom? Gotta wake early for his ARD for speech. Wish me luck.

Tattooed Momma Q&A: Samantha

Continuing in the series of tattooed momma interviews, here is part three with Sam of Texas. A friend of a friend, she was kicked out of an amusement park because of her ink. Here's her story.

Samantha, tattooed momma of 5 (with one on the way)

I got my first tattoo on my 18th birthday. For me, it was about having the freedom to do what I wanted. Maybe a dash of teenage rebellion.

Being a tattooed mom for me is like being an elephant in the room. Often I get curious stares and even questions from other parents. My children are not always welcome or included. Sometimes it can be frustrating. But I feel being tattooed and a mother makes me slightly different in my parenting style in a good way.

My children are oblivious to mommy being tattooed; they know no different. They do like to show me off now that they are older. 'See how cool my mom is?' sort of thing.

Several years ago, I was the subject of a news story on MSNBC and was in Inked magazine. I was denied entry into Six Flags over Texas for my chest tattoo of revolvers and roses. An older woman working the door compared them to swastikas. Six Flags apologized because, well, the whole matter was silly; they have shooting games in the park, for crying out loud. But it was the response from the public that was the real issue. I had tons of positive responses and well just as much negative. I once had a woman stop me in a nail salon and tell me I was contributing to the moral decay of society. I had complete strangers say I shouldn't be allowed to breed, that I was trashy and should be in a side show. I was told by many women that I should be ashamed of myself as a mother. Funny enough, most of the negative was from other women. It was quite shocking for me. I wasn't aware my appearance was so reprehensible to some.

I'm pretty tattooed at this point in my life. I prefer traditional style tattoos. I have skulls, daggers, pin ups, roses, revolvers, various animals..

I have five daughters, including a set of twins (ages 12,10,6, and 8 months), with one Team Green baby on the way.