Not For the Faint of Heart

Warning: This blog is about miscarriage and may contain graphic sentences you don't want to envision. If that bothers you, please stop reading now.


On Wednesday morning, I woke up and took Cole to school. Since I'd been feeling a little off, I stopped at CVS and ran home to take a pregnancy test before meeting for a play date at the park. I popped those two pee sticks in the car to 'think' and five minutes down the road, this is what I found:

I went into the park, saw the pirate mommas, and eventually spilled my news like I was talking about some stranger... After two miscarriages, you tend to get a little distant from your pregnancies during the early stages in case it doesn't end up resulting in a baby. On Thursday night I had coffee with fellow pirate Emily and came home feeling excited. I started thinking maybe this one will stick, maybe this one is meant to be, maybe Cole and Stella are meant to have a little brother or sister. I already had a name chosen (Everley Mae or Asher Miles from our previous name choices)...

At 3 am Friday morning, I woke up to pee and had some slight bleeding. At 8 am, I woke up covered in blood and immediately freaked out. Shaking and crying hysterically in the bathroom, the miscarriage started as soon as I sat down on the toilet. I cried even harder and tried to wipe the blood off of myself, until finally giving in and moving blindly toward the shower running, where I knew my husband would be. I climbed in the shower and shook, holding him and howling hysterically because we had just lost another baby.
Since then, I have been resting and trying to keep my thoughts in check. Kevin is taking care of the kids and making sure I get enough to eat and drink.

My first miscarriage happened when Cole was 7 months old. It was a blighted ovum, where my body thinks I'm pregnant and a gestational sac grows, but no baby grows inside it. That really made us want to try for another baby, which resulted in Stella being born in December 2010.

My second miscarriage occurred in April 2012, without my knowledge. After missing my period and getting a positive test, I started the next morning and got a negative test. The ultrasound established the pregnancy had been on my left side and had occurred so early on that I wouldn't have even known if I wasn't so aware of my body.

This time, I knew I was pregnant and was hopeful, but it didn't take. Blood tests showed my progesterone levels were low, making the uterus lining unable to carry the pregnancy. Most likely, this was the case in the April miscarriage, too.

So here I sit, on my third miscarriage with two beautiful babies I am able to hold in my arms to get me through this. I am so grateful for their love and the support of my husband and amazing women who have been there, or haven't been there and just want to show their love and support.

Miscarriage is something no one ever talks about; why shouldn't we? Isn't it better to know we're not alone than to suffer through it in silence?

Colored Jeans and Other Things

Today I pulled out my new red jeans, which turned out to be more pinkish than red... but hey, I still like them.

shirt: Eddie Bauer, thrifted. belt: The Buckle, old

colored jeans: Target. shoes: TOMS. glasses: Zenni Optical

riding boots: Payless. tank: Old Navy. scarf: Walmart. toys c/o my children.

Stella's attached to Momma. Bunz is our dwarf rabbit, off to the right. The Deuces Wild poker slot machine was a gift to my husband from his boss's private collection.

In other areas, I've decided blogging every day isn't my style. For one, my kids keep me so busy that I can barely keep up. My house is disturbingly cluttered with toys and my kitchen is always overrun with dirty dishes, but hey, my kids are happy. Building block towers and scribbling with sidewalk chalk are like my reality TV and a cigarette (bad, I know).. they hit the spot every time.

The last two weeks brought forth some significant events and will be remembered forever. Wish someone would have told me that before so I could have prepared. ;) Last Friday we took Cole to his preschool evaluation, where the speech therapist said, "He isn't pronouncing the end of any of his words, which is a definite indicator that he needs speech therapy." It's not like my heart sank, because we were already aware his tongue-tie made his speech develop poorly so he had a lot of work to do to train the muscles in his tongue to speak more clearly. We meet with another speech therapist next week so she can teach me exercises to work with him on at our house, since they are closed for the summer. This is disappointing because it means Cole won't have real speech therapy until the fall, when he will be 4 and supposed to be entering preschool. Although we can't afford preschool at this time, I was really hoping to get this figured out before he enters kindergarten and has to deal with other kids teasing him or worse, getting frustrated because he can't be understood and starts acting out.

Today I saw my OB after having a positive pregnancy test about a month ago. The second test, four days later, was negative and I started what I thought was my period that day. Three weeks later, while still bleeding, she confirmed that I had miscarried early on. I was emotionless until I sat down in my car in the parking lot....then I gave myself 10 minutes to cry and collect myself before heading home to my beautiful family. This being our second miscarriage, today made me hold my children tighter knowing how lucky we are to have the two beautiful babies that we have.


Five Things You Don't Know About Me Friday:

1. I've had my nose repierced 4 times, the first time at 17.
2. I only had one tattoo from 18 to 26, when I started covering myself. I have 10 tattoos.
3. My husband and I celebrate 7 years of marriage this month.
4. Instead of going on a honeymoon, we bought a house.
5. He is my best friend, security, and makes me laugh more than anyone ever has.