Not For the Faint of Heart

Warning: This blog is about miscarriage and may contain graphic sentences you don't want to envision. If that bothers you, please stop reading now.


On Wednesday morning, I woke up and took Cole to school. Since I'd been feeling a little off, I stopped at CVS and ran home to take a pregnancy test before meeting for a play date at the park. I popped those two pee sticks in the car to 'think' and five minutes down the road, this is what I found:

I went into the park, saw the pirate mommas, and eventually spilled my news like I was talking about some stranger... After two miscarriages, you tend to get a little distant from your pregnancies during the early stages in case it doesn't end up resulting in a baby. On Thursday night I had coffee with fellow pirate Emily and came home feeling excited. I started thinking maybe this one will stick, maybe this one is meant to be, maybe Cole and Stella are meant to have a little brother or sister. I already had a name chosen (Everley Mae or Asher Miles from our previous name choices)...

At 3 am Friday morning, I woke up to pee and had some slight bleeding. At 8 am, I woke up covered in blood and immediately freaked out. Shaking and crying hysterically in the bathroom, the miscarriage started as soon as I sat down on the toilet. I cried even harder and tried to wipe the blood off of myself, until finally giving in and moving blindly toward the shower running, where I knew my husband would be. I climbed in the shower and shook, holding him and howling hysterically because we had just lost another baby.
Since then, I have been resting and trying to keep my thoughts in check. Kevin is taking care of the kids and making sure I get enough to eat and drink.

My first miscarriage happened when Cole was 7 months old. It was a blighted ovum, where my body thinks I'm pregnant and a gestational sac grows, but no baby grows inside it. That really made us want to try for another baby, which resulted in Stella being born in December 2010.

My second miscarriage occurred in April 2012, without my knowledge. After missing my period and getting a positive test, I started the next morning and got a negative test. The ultrasound established the pregnancy had been on my left side and had occurred so early on that I wouldn't have even known if I wasn't so aware of my body.

This time, I knew I was pregnant and was hopeful, but it didn't take. Blood tests showed my progesterone levels were low, making the uterus lining unable to carry the pregnancy. Most likely, this was the case in the April miscarriage, too.

So here I sit, on my third miscarriage with two beautiful babies I am able to hold in my arms to get me through this. I am so grateful for their love and the support of my husband and amazing women who have been there, or haven't been there and just want to show their love and support.

Miscarriage is something no one ever talks about; why shouldn't we? Isn't it better to know we're not alone than to suffer through it in silence?

Late Night Ramblings

....It's late.

The kids have been asleep for hours

and the buzz of the tattoo machine could lull me to sleep

if the lines on my skin weren't so painful.

Florence + the Machine plays in the background-

lifting me up, providing my peace,

chasing away the devil in me.

I keep trying to hold my head up

but some days I'm just tired of trying

and I want to throw in the towel 

but there isn't a clean one

to throw anywhere.

Tattoos are my escape, 

my meditation, my passion. 

My ink tells stories of love and memories and reminders to be strong-

because at times strength leaves my hands,

leaving the darkness to set in

and stormy waves crashing in my days

when i'd much rather them be sunny.

I think of what made me-

dirt roads and midnight drives,

scribbling poetry on napkins at the coffee shop late at night.

The first apartment where I lived alone

in the third story of a historic building above one of the many town bars,

where I could lay on the floor to hear the echo of the bands playing below.

The music spoke to me-

inspiration was abundant in that studio with the fire escape

that holds many memories of snowy night guitar serenades

and English tea and sleepless nights..

and heartbreak. 

In this home i am surrounded by love and light,

the faces of my babies, the calls of 'mommy',

the late-night talks and cuddles a reminder of just how sweet life is

with the hum of the tattoo machine at my ear. 

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fall fashion

fall fashion by stacywill featuring long sleeve dresses

fall boots

fall boots by stacywill featuring high heels

black & gold

black & gold by stacywill featuring feather earrings

summer to fall

summer to fall by stacywill featuring studded handbags

dress: day & night

dress: day & night by stacywill featuring a black jacket

Tattooed Hippie Pirate Mommas calendar peeks!

December 2013, Samantha

Dawn is August 2013

We have the final photos for the THPM 2013 calendar! Yay!
If you like these, you definitely need to go buy a calendar at www.tattooedhippiepiratemommas.com. We'll take preorders while we design them and have the calendars ready to go soon... Hopefully by late October, they'll be ready to mail or put in someone's hand.

Meet the amazing ladies of the Tattooed Hippie Pirate Mommas 2013 calendar.

Skye is February 2013

Stephanie is January 2013

Leisha is April 2013, waiting for showers

Kendra is sweet in May 2013

Bekah is lovely in June 2013

Bio page for Stacy

Sanja is July 2013

Cover girl Kate

Azure, March 2013

Brook: November 2013

Suza: September 2013

February 2014: a group shot

January 2014: Dawn

October 2013: Lacy

 

 

 

 

I've decided not to be in the actual calendar, just a bio page about the group. I can't decide which picture of myself to use. Please leave a comment with your favorite one! Here they are...

Our Nature Playscape!

Last month I had all of these great ideas for a backyard nature playscape, except bills got in the way and it had to wait. It was kind of a good thing, though, because the temps shot back up to the upper 90s and it was way too hot to do anything. This week, however, is absolutely beautiful outside, so we started on our nature playscape today.

On the way to take Cole to school, I noticed a ton of freshly cut down trees in this farmer's land and left a note on his door to call me if he wanted to get rid of any of the wood. By 2:00 no one had called, so the kids and I got into the car with a mission to find anything from Home Depot that would work for our nature playscape. Just one block over, before we even left the neighborhood, there was a freshly cut down tree sitting on the curb waiting to go to recycling! Eeeeee! I pulled a U-y, popped the trunk and loaded up everything it would hold. Then after we unloaded it, we went back for a second load.

Here is what our playscape looks like after setting the log perimeter. I even found a Cole-sized stump for him to sit on. Tomorrow we add pea gravel and see how far we get.

showing Dad the work we did today

taking a picture for mom - it was really bright outside, haha

Things to do for the playscape:

• Hit up thrift stores for silverware, dishes, pans, etc for kitchen area
• Find a few sets of wind chimes and other musical instruments for the music tree
•  Find a cabinet/table of some sort to put the old sink in for the kitchen area
• Find an old king-sized sheet for the fabric tent and put it up using white rope and old fence posts to hold down the blanket from getting wind-blown

Here are some of the ideas of what Cole and I like:

a music tree

a kitchen complete with spots for silverware, pans, & dishes

Cole wants a slide, too.

And a tent. A tent is a must.

Bathtime: A Poem

The kids giggle in the bath,

the sounds of running water soothing

today's headache

and I have become my mother,

sitting in the next room

smoking cheap cigarettes

in my few seconds of free time

between taking care of babies

and taking care of business.

I never planned to have kids.

It just happened,

like everything 'just happens,'

and here we are almost four years later

with two pairs of blue eyes staring up at me

to be their guide, their light, their strength,

their mother.

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