Head Explosion

"No filter on her mouth or her cigarettes.. baby, what you're lookin' at is what you get."

-Pistol Annies

Too much pressure. Not enough release or relief. Head might explode.

The calendar shoot is coming up and Erin and I are emailing back and forth about all of the details, and it's making my head swim. Since the hair and makeup people are donating their services, it would be nice to be able to provide dinner, snacks and drinks for them during the photo shoot days... but where is the money going to come from? We are broke as f*ck and I'll be shocked if there's enough gas in the car to get to downtown all three days I'm supposed to be there. On top of all those details, my dad and stepmom are pushing me to start promoting Visalus, which also takes a lot of time, thought, detail, phone calls, party planning, pre-party planning.... all which I'm supposed to do with a 1.5- and 3.5-year-old when? When they asked me to join, I was all about gaining weight, helping people get healthy and possibly making some money at the same time. Now I'm wondering how I'm going to do it all. I mean, I can't even keep fruit or juice in the house to make a shake with for myself because my kids steal them.

I want to promote Body By Vi. And I want to build my own Tattooed Hippie Pirate Momma empire. But I don't possibly see how I can make both of them work at the same time.

What is Body By Vi, you might be asking? Well, it's a protein shake that's helping me gain weight. It's the number one home-based selling business in the world right now. Skeptics call it a ponzi scheme or a scam.. I did myself until my dad got his BMW and they both quit their jobs to make Visalus their full-time business. And they are very successful in just a year's time. You can see my site at http://visalus.com/promoter-portal/body-by-vi-overview-presentation.

Stress and pressure make me anxious, and that makes my head tight like it might explode. Stupid anxiety.

I Hate You, 88 lbs.

88 lbs.

88 lbs.

88 lbs.

That is not a good number to see on the scale when you're 31 and 5'2. When your normal weight, though underweight, hovers around 97 lbs. When you haven't been under 95 lbs. in more than two years, when you were pregnant with your daughter. I lost 6 lbs. in three weeks.

I don't know what to point the finger at. I could say it's because my two blonde tornadoes keep me running all day and steal my food. I could blame the recent depression that I now see was due to my latest, and second, miscarriage. I could say it's because I'm busy all the time, but none of those are a reason that I should have let myself get down to 88 lbs. No wonder I've felt so shitty lately. Being underweight is so similar to being overweight: you feel unhealthy, lazy, lethargic. Just plain not good.

It's time to do something. I have to gain some weight. The last time I was this thin was right after having my son, when breastfeeding was taking all of my nutrients out and my weakened body couldn't handle it. I was passing out, blacking out, walking around like a zombie with no energy at all. My metabolism fights against me in that it still works at a high rate and doesn't let my body add pounds. I'd have to eat at least five times the calories of a normal person, which would mean me shoving food in my face 24 hours a day, and that's pretty hard to do with two kids, two dogs, a house to clean, and a husband to make happy.

I've decided to start protein shakes from Body By Vi, suggested by my dad. He's had such success on the shakes that he has been cigarette-free for the first time in six months. He smoked his entire adult life. Not only that, but he walks four miles a day and is in the best shape he's been in in quite a while. In addition to my daily meals, shakes will be added as a snack to put more calories and good stuff into my body instead of eating fatty or unhealthy foods to try to gain weight.

See you later, 88 lbs. Goal: 105.