Bumpin it

Bumpin it by stacywill featuring minnetonka boots

New beginnings

In March, I started a five-month course that will allow me to get the qualified education for my own private investigation agency. In just a few weeks, I've already made lifelong friends and amazing connections to help further my business. Words cannot describe the happiness and accomplishment I feel for pushing through my anxiety and just doing it.

In two weeks, my husband and I will celebrate our tenth anniversary and head to Colorado for the weekend. Then in June we head back to sweet, sweet Wisconsin to stay in the cabin on the lake.

Life is so good.

Squeam Screens: Grace's Style

Squeam Screens: Grace's Style by stacywill featuring fox home decor

Breaking Point

Sunday, June 28, 2015
Journal entry, Wisconsin (mid vacation)

I am miserable.
I need to get back on my antidepressants as soon as I get back to Texas.
I can't stop crying.
I hate waking up.
I hate life.
I hate that I allow everyone to make my decisions in life and am now a shell of the person I used to be.

It's time to make some major changes. I'm done asking permission to live my life. I WILL RUN MY LIFE!

You do not deal with someone who has depression by screaming at them and telling them that life isn't that bad and to get over it. I can't get over it, depression doesn't go away.

I am living IN this.
I have to walk through the pain and the voices in my head telling me I'm not good enough to even live. I am unable to focus on the positive, my fucked up brain won't allow it. I wake up every single day and try to ignore the voice telling me I'm so unworthy and useless that I should just get it over with and kill myself. I've gotten to the place where I'm daydreaming ways to make it look like an accident so I am not the dumb bitch who committed suicide. I don't want to leave my kids with the harsh reality that their mom killed herself because her depression was too much of a battle to fight.
I am losing.

It makes me feel terrible.
I am ashamed of my behavior.
I feel like I'm going insane. It can't be normal to feel this way, especially in such a peaceful place where I should be happy.
*SW

If you are thinking about suicide or are depressed, please get help. You are not alone.

Broken [scotch tape]

like a coffee mug with the handle
glued on,
i am broken

like the pages of a book torn out
carelessly
and then pieced together with Scotch tape

these temporary fixes
will not hold forever.

3.21.15
SW (c)

Girls with Tattoos

Semi-reluctant Karate Mom

My 6-year-old son has always been sweet and sensitive, and with his speech disability and sensory issues, he stayed at home with me instead of attending preschool. Now that he's nearing the end of kindergarten, his dad and I decided a sport or activity would increase his self confidence and make him less afraid of the world, plus "He needs to learn to fall without breaking himself," dad said. My poor child has no sense of balance, and the scar above his eyebrow and three pin scars on his elbow show his ungraceful short life, haha. After a search for the best martial arts school in town and observing a few classes, we settled on Brazilian jui-jitsu and he had his first private lesson this week. Needless to say, it was uncomfortable for this nonathletic noncompetitive girl and I spent more time worrying about if he would pay attention than actually watching. Two more of the same private lessons and dude had learned every move needed for a yellow belt, but I was a hot mess. Let's just say Dad will take him next time.

Office renovation

Ever since we bought a mid century modern ranch built in 1951 two years ago, I've been itching to refurbish it to its original glory. That, my friends, is going to be a huge task because the former owners painted almost everything white before they sold the house.

Much to my husband's dismay, a few weeks ago I pulled up the carpet to find beautiful 9x9 asphalt tiles in a gorgeous red, perfect condition and best of all, sealed! (if you didn't know, those tiles contain asbestos that can be harmful if they get crushed and it gets into the air.) After using a biodegradable adhesive remover on the leftover carpet glue and a good mopping, I made a trip to the paint store for porch paint in 'tile red,' a near perfect match to the original tile floors. A few area rugs later and I'm thrilled with the result. With paint, rugs and paint brushes/roller/tray, I was able to redo the office for less than $200. Winning!

Words Falling Out

Poetry has been filling my mind all of the time as of late, and I'm not sure how to feel about it but I think it's good...

I'm a little broken, but I've got scotch tape, so it's gonna be alright.
-sw

THPM takes Vape Blast

A few of the girls and I shared a booth with Denton County Vapers Club at Vape Blast in Fort Worth last weekend and it was, indeed, a blast! We raised almost $800 for Bikers Against Child Abuse by selling shirts, calendars and stickers. We're considering going to the one in San Antonio so the members there get a chance to socialize with our peeps and raise money for a good cause.